"Whom exactly does the culture of niceness serve? I suppose it serves the people for whom life is going well. The people in power, but where does this leave less empowered individuals and populations with legitimate complaints? Speaking truth to power too often results in feelings of judgement and anger at the complainer...It's hard work to engage in conflict, and even harder to have to change your mind. People in power have the privilege of avoiding both. The culture of niceness provides a tidy cover creating a social norm that says conflict is bad, discomfort should be avoided, and those who create them mark themselves as people who lack the kind of emotional restraint necessary to hold positions of power...Ignoring feelings and trying to smooth them over with pleasant chit chat only promises to hold people back from allowing their hearts to join their minds and recognizing injustice when it's right in front of them, or even inside them. Despite its potential to create healthier individuals, households, organizations, and communities; embracing the discomfort of conflict in the name of resolution eludes most people raised in the culture of niceness. As long as feedback from unhappy people puts the blame on the complainer, the status quo will be maintained. Change requires tolerating the kind of emotions that arise when the constraints of nice conversation are lifted." (1)
How do we stay "nice" in an ever-increasing mean world, and do we really want to? There is a lot of talk these days about political correctness and as Trump puts it "telling it like it is." If a blowhard who shoots his mouth off and claims to be "keeping it real", a guy who out of 300 fact-checks had a rate of being 70% mostly false, false, or telling outright lies (2) can appeal to so many people, enough to get elected, we need to re-examine ourselves. Like the quote above says, what is all of this niceness getting us?
I liken the idea of niceness to be akin to political correctness. So, first let's look at what it means to be politically correct. The Cambridge Dictionary defines it as: "Disapproving,avoiding language or behavior that any particular group of people might feel is unkind or offensive." (3) Please understand, I do not support any sort of hurtful, racist, sexist, gender-offensive name calling or slurs of any kind, but it seems like we use our language as a shield to hide behind. It has become a way not only to remain nice, but a way to disengage from conversations that need to be happening.
Here's an example of where niceness comes in to play. In this scenario, I am at a family holiday dinner. My in-laws and I are not on the same page regarding much in the socio-political realm. In casual conversation my sister-in-law says, "yay Trump!" regarding his take on healthcare. In order to not lose my temper right then and there, and to keep things "nice," and to "keep the peace," I kindly say, "I'm going to pretend like you didn't say that," and I change the subject.
Does she have a right to her opinion? Of course she does? Do I have to like it? No, I do not. Can I take this opportunity to hear her out and then give my valid, logical, and reasonable rebuttal?Yes, and I should! We should have a conversation in a civilized and logical manner because my devaluing her opinion by assuming she's just a stupid Trump voter and vowing to never talk to her again is divisive and doesn't get anything done. I do not have to agree with her. I don't even have to value her opinion, but I do have to allow her to have it. It is a good learning point, if for nothing else than to learn what I do not believe and how to better defend my position.
If you disagree with somebody, bring them in and ask them tough questions. Hold their feet to the fire; make them defend their positions. If somebody's got a bad or offensive idea, prove it wrong. Engage it, debate it, stand up for what you believe in. Don't be scared to take somebody on. Don't feel like you've tog to shut your ears because you're too fragile and somebody might offend your sensibilities. Go after them if they're not making any sense. use your logic and reason and words, and by doing so you'll strengthen your own position. And you'll hone your arguments and maybe you'll learn something and realize maybe you don't know everything. You may have a new understanding, not only of what your opponents believe but what you believe. Either way, you win. --President Obama (4)The truth of the matter is, we are in a world with other people. It seems obvious, but what isn't so obvious to people is that we are going to have differing opinions and we're allowed to have them. Yes, there are people who have terrible, hateful hearts whose minds we will never change. But standing up for that which you believe isn't always an easy task. Sometimes words get ugly and uncomfortable, but if we see things through and don't just brush it under the rug because it might offend ours or someone else's sensibilities we might get somewhere. Keeping things nice equates that talking about these things that truly matter--equality and fairness--aren't worthwhile and they are. They really really are. Hiding behind political correctness with things like "safe spaces" avoids the conversations that need to happen. Sometimes our feelings are--gasp!--going to be icky, but how can we come to terms with them if we pretend they don't exist? As much as it seems it would be easier to cut the people with whom we don't agree out of our lives, that only perpetuates the growing problem of division among people. We are already separated by our fear of each other. Fear drives hate. Understanding perpetuates harmony and it cannot happen without dialogue.
Again, there is never an acceptable time to personally attack someone, call them names, or use slurs against a person for their perceived differences. But there is a time to stop being nice, and to get our feelings out on the table and hack through them. The time has got to be now, before we are even more isolated from one another.
"And now let us welcome a new year--full of things that have never been."--Rainer Maria Rilke
1. Irving, Debby. Waking up White. N.p.: Elephant Room Press, 2014. Audible.
2. Drobnic Holan, Angie, and Aaron Sharockman. "Fact-checking President-Elect Donald Trump." Politifact. N.p., 9 Nov. 2016. Web. 30 Dec. 2016.
3. Cambridge Dictionary. http://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/politically-correct.
4. Shapiro, Eric. "Democrats Need to Start Re-Thinking Political Correctness, Which Does Them No Favors." Paste. N.p., 27 Dec. 2016. Web. 28 Dec. 2016. Quotation from President Obama
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