To Blog or not to Blog...

That is the question. 

      Obviously since these words are on this page, I've made the decision to bite the bullet, dive in with both feet, and "just do it". Will anyone read this? That is undetermined. 

What is the title of the blog all about? 

     I think many people see me as an extrovert. I once described myself as shy in the presence of my mother and she gave me that, "you've got to be kidding me" look and rolled her eyes. But the truth is, I'm not, not shy. 
     What do I mean by that? I mean it takes some serious self pep-talking for me to gear up and be the first person to smile and say good morning. It takes a lot of convincing myself to go to events or parties rather than stay home in my pajamas with a book. Perhaps it isn't shyness, but a type of social anxiety as someone once suggested to me. Either way, brave face aside, people and interactions with them can leave me exhausted. I constantly replay conversations and interactions in my  head like a film reel, wondering was what I said acceptable.  I remember word-for-word conversations for years because I've analyzed them to the point of nausea. 

     When coming up with conversation topics  with strangers my usual default is the weather. It's easy to talk about and its always changing, leaving and unending supply of verbal fodder. I like to hide behind it like an umbrella. I know it is a safe source of subject matter. True, people don't LOVE the snow but no one will be mortally offended by talking about it. 

    Because I am constantly concerned with pleasing people, silence in a conversation is uncomfortable and something I feel personally responsible to fix. Instead of leaving peaceful breaks in dialogue I find that I have to fill the pauses. Once on a 13-hour road trip with one of my best friends,  we came to a lull in the conversation (after many hours on the road and admittedly many, many cups of coffee). After about 30 seconds of silence, she looked over at me and found me grinning like an idiot just waiting to start talking again. What comes out of my mouth is generally one form or another of the phrase, "That's funny."  It, like the weather, is an innocuous non-sequitur that fills the space nicely, kind of like the fluff in a Twinkie.  Let me give you an example just from this afternoon:

Me to co-worker: Were you able to go do your early voting over lunch?
Co-worker: No. The line was about 300 people long.
Me: That's funny...I hope it's better tomorrow.

     The question is, is it really funny? Annoying? Yes.  Great (in that people are voting)? Yes. Funny? Not particularly, but it gives me something to, well, say, and what not.

     The and what not shtick is a recent addition to my diatribe. I don't know when or frankly why I started saying it, but it was pointed out to me that I say it and I say it a lot.  And what not is my "Ya know what I'm saying?" But, I accept it as just another nervous verbal tick that I have.  

And what is the purpose of all of this?

     Well, again that is yet to be determined.  I hope to use it as a place to spread happiness and optimism and as a  place to share my thoughts openly without feeling like I have to measure up to some invisible bar that I create in my head. I hope that this space is a place for me to stretch my written creativity and what not...now come on,  that is funny.